bigger than me

There are some things about being here in Bangkok that I don't imagine ever getting used to. One of those things is knowing that when I come home at night, many of my friends are either still working in the bars until 2 in the morning or are with a customer. There are nights when just the knowledge of that makes me feel sick and restless and I lie awake with the frustration of how unfair it is for them and how I feel helpless and just wish that there was more that I could do.

There was a girl that we connected with and brought to Beginnings the first week that I was here. She said that she was interested in moving in and said she was going to come again last week. When she showed up again, she said that she wanted to move in the next week. But, the day that she was supposed to move in I was told that she wouldn't be able to move in because her aunt wouldn't allow her to stop working.

There's another girl that Lyndsey, Janette and I have become friends with. A few nights ago at dinner Lyndsey was asking Ann if this girl had ever shown interest in Beginnings. Ann said that she had come for English classes a few times, but that she wasn't able to leave the bars because she was making a lot of money in the bars and couldn't make the choice to leave.

And last week we were able to pay the bar fine for one of the girls that we've gone to see almost every day in the pool bars who has expressed several times how much she does not like her work and doesn't want to work in the bars anymore. We brought her to eat dinner at Beginnings. I watched as Ann talked to her and told her what Beginnings is about. After they talked, the girl told me that she was very lucky that we brought her here and that Ann has a very kind heart and that she felt like Beginnings was like a big family and she felt very warm here.

It seems so simple to us that if we found an escape, a place of hope for a new life that Beginnings offers, that it would be so easy to leave our work and move in immediately. But everything these girls do is for their families! Their whole life is about their loyalty to them and bringing honor to them by being able to provide for them. It's not an easy choice for them to make.

So we continue to see them in the bars every day. And I couldn't help but think to myself, so that's it? So her aunt says no? So she needs to make more money? So for whatever reason, it's just too hard for them to make the decision to leave their work and come live at Beginnings? So that's it? So we watch them go through the same thing every single day. We listen to their stories about how their "boyfriends" (customers) have another girlfriend and "that's ok". Or how a customer was yelling at them and called them stupid and made them cry. And what can we do about it?

We can love them. We can show them that there's somewhere they can come when they reach their breaking point. And most importantly, we can pray.

The only other time in my life that I remember feeling this frustrated and like everything was just so much bigger than me, was when my little sister Emily passed away 2 and 1/2 years ago. It wasn't fair. It hurt more than anything I ever knew. And there was nothing I could do to make it better or take the pain away for me or my family.

But then and now, I had to remember and have been reminded that I have to trust that God is SO big! He could comfort me then when nothing made sense. He was and still is in control. When nothing makes sense. When all I can do is cry and pray for these girls. They are in His loving hands.

When I can't find comfort in anything else, I find comfort in this:

With men it is impossible,
but not with God:
for with God all things are possible.
Mark 10:27